Theater of the Soul

It all started out innocently enough. I had mentioned to one of my tenants that I was looking for a new home for one of those parakeets that I inherited last summer when some evicted tenants abandoned them (the other parakeet died some time ago). I also asked her to post my terrorist lovebird. While I love all of the birds, I wouldn’t be at all opposed to finding housebound old lady-types who need some companionship. Our cockatiel, the only bird we actually acquired through choice, is staying. Anyways, my tenant offered to post them on the local Freecycle list that she is on and that sounded like a fine idea to me. Since you’re reading this, obviously I was wrong.

The first woman contacted me about the lovebird. She was fine to deal with and already has a hard-to-manage parrot with terroristic tendencies. Our little lovebird will fit right in, the lady sounded nice and knowledgeable about birds, so we made arrangements for her to pick it up tomorrow. No problem.

The next phone call was from a woman named Anne, who said that she knew the first woman and was confused because she (Anne) had wanted both birds. I told her twice that the lovebird was spoken for, but she still said she was confused. She was sort of trying to talk me around in circles now that I think about it…maybe hoping that I’d trip up and say she could have both birds. After I made it clear that only the parakeet was available, she then proceeded to tell me her life story for the next 15 minutes. Whatever. I deal with prospective tenants like this all the time. I humor them for a few minutes, give them a little sympathy and then get back to business. Anyways, this Anne person began to tell me about some troubles she was having on the Freecycle list because she was gathering household items for families who have been burned out by a rash of apartment building fires a few towns over from here and people were under the (mistaken) impression that she was gathering all these things from the list and hoarding them for herself.

At this point, we’re 15 minutes on the phone and I’m getting antsy and annoyed. I really couldn’t care less about behind-the-scenes drama between old women on Freecycle. I start moving the conversation towards making arrangements for her to come get the bird. She lives quite a distance from here and asked if it would be okay if her friend picks up the bird. I say ‘fine’ and didn’t really think twice about it. I tell her to have her friend call me so I can give her directions and agree on a time.

A few hours later, the friend - Linda - calls me. Linda is pissed about the inconvenience of having to pick up the bird and bring it to Anne. My first reaction was to tell her not to bother if it was so much trouble, but given that I was taught to respect my elders, I tried to empathize and humor her. I spent FORTY-FIVE minutes on the phone with this woman, listening to her whine and complain about the politics of Freecycle and how inconsiderate and rude people are…blah blah blah. About 15 minutes into the phone call, I realize something is a bit ‘fishy’. Anne had given me the impression that Linda would be picking up the bird and bringing it right to her. Linda, however, informed me that the bird would be staying with her for a week or so until she could drive down to Anne’s house.

Yeah, I don’t rightly friggin think so. This is a parakeet we’re talking about here and anyone who knows birds, knows that they don’t deal with change very well. I’m not going to have this bird uprooted from my house, then uprooted from Linda’s house and brought to another house. It’s too much change and it’s too damn cold still to be moving a tiny bird around like that. I put the kibosh on the whole thing and told Linda that I would keep the bird until it could go directly to Anne’s house. Linda saw that she had fucked up ‘the plan’ apparently and tried to backpedal and convince me that she wasn’t the grouchy old woman that she had spent the past few minutes pretending to be and that Anne would hate her if she thought that Linda screwed this exchange up. Whatever, lady. Being concerned over her well-being wasn’t exactly high on my list of priorities. I don’t want this poor bird traumatized any more than it already has been in it’s life. I finally extricated myself from the phone call with Linda by promising that I would make sure that Anne knew it was MY fault she couldn’t take the bird right away.

I prepared myself for having to spend another half-hour on the phone with Anne the fruitcake. I was surprised when she pleasantly accepted the idea that I would hang onto the bird until it could go directly to her house. I was off the phone in under 60 seconds and I considered myself lucky and thought the whole thing was over with.

It, of course, was only just beginning.

Apparently I was the subject of a scathing email from Anne to a bunch of other list members, one of whom forwarded the email to my tenant. I had joined the Freecycle list yesterday afternoon during all this, thinking it might be a good way to get rid of the stuff that tenants leave behind when they move (I’ve got a CELLAR full of shit that you wouldn’t believe). After I heard about this nasty email, I took a cruise through the archives of the group and noticed that this Anne woman seems to claim everything that people list, saying it’s for these fire victims. My tenant then showed me previous off-list emails about Anne and I’m quite sure now that she is some kind of hoarder. Not just animals, but EVERYTHING. And if she isn’t first in line to get an item, she claims ‘confusion’ over the situation and tries to pressure people into giving stuff to her instead, under the guise of it being for charity. That wasn’t the case with the bird, but it still didn’t sit right with me. If this were a table or something I was giving away, I’d blow the whole thing off as ‘old ladies looking for something to bitch about’ and not be so annoyed with it. But this is a living, breathing animal that comes with responsibility and it shouldn’t be treated as an object to be ‘won’ or possessed.

I broke the list rules and sent my own scathing email to the entire list last night and unsubscribed from the whole thing. I hope it will at least raise some awareness about how careful you have to be on that list when giving away animals. You never know what kind of whackos you’re dealing with.

It’s like eBay for poor people and a soap opera, all rolled into one, and I just don’t have the patience for that bullshit.