I greatly appreciate all of the supportive comments left on this post. There’s much more to the story, but that is for another day.
I wanted to make some clarifications though, on my views of domestic violence, and respond specifically to a comment left by Stephen:
I salute and admire your strength. I don’t think I could have recovered and carried on anywhere near as well if something like that happened to me.
At the same time, I think you’re a little unfair to those women who find themselves stuck in abusive situations. There are more reasons than personal weakness or self-destructive habits for that.
Some women simply don’t have the financial resources or professional skill to support themselves independently, and have no opportunity to acquire them. Some have cultural upbringings of acquiescence to overcome. Some have no support network of family or friends nearby, perhaps because the family supports the abuser for whatever reason or because the abuser has manipulated her into losing contact. And some are being emotionally blackmailed by threats, implicit or explicit, against any children involved.
Biologically, the “freeze” response to fear - that instinct you and others have praised above - is as likely and logical as your “fight” response or others’ “flight” responses. It might be more productive to understand why some people are biased towards one response mode or the other, rather than simply condemn different responses to a common instinct as “weak”.
Comment by Stephen — August 10, 2005 @ 8:41 am
I live in a very rural area of America. The population of my town is less than 5,000 people and we have 3 domestic violence shelters within a 20 minute drive. These shelters provide everything that a woman who truly wants to help herself could possibly need: shelter, clothing, support for children, etc. They help women through the domestic violence petition process, get them back up on their feet by providing funds for apartments and have partnerships for job training. There is simply NO reason for a woman to stay in an abusive relationship when the help is RIGHT THERE if she needs it. All she needs to do is walk in the door and she’s taken care of.
Cultural and religious issues are totally different. If a woman wants to stay in that kind of relationship to be true to her beliefs, that’s fine. I have no problem with that, but I have no sympathy for someone who makes that CHOICE.
Then there are the few who truly are in a situation where the abuser is threatening any children that are involved. However, those are few and VERY far between. Women have the upper hand in domestic violence situations and MOST exaggerate the threat they feel for their children from the abuser.
Want to hear a good one? Did you know that you can’t file a restraining order on someone unless you SPECIFICALLY state that you are in fear of said person? The day after I got out of the hospital, on the advice of the arresting officer, I went down to the courthouse to fill out a restraining order, in the very unlikely event that my rapist got out on bail. Mind you, I told the officer that there really was no need for a piece of useless paper because I fully intended to kill the bastard if he ever darkened my doorstep, but it was part of the ‘process’ so I went along with it. When asked by the court clerk if I felt that my life was in danger, I replied “No…I now have a firearm and two very bloodthirsty men staying with me.” The court clerk wouldn’t allow me to fill out the restraining order because I wasn’t living in fear! I didn’t understand this at all, and the officer who was with me pulled me aside and said “Just play the game.” So I turned back to the clerk and said, “Yes, now that I think about it, I do fear for my life” and within 2 minutes, had the restraining order approved by the judge in his chambers.
That is how our domestic violence system works…all a woman needs to do is simply state that she fears for her life and the world is her oyster. She doesn’t NEED proof. Imagine how easy it is for someone who is truly in a domestic violence situation and HAS proof. I’m sorry, but I just don’t buy most of the usual excuses women use for staying with abusers. If you’re being abused, barring any of those pesky cultural or religious beliefs, you grab your kids and GO. Period. There’s absolutely NO excuse for staying or keeping your kids in that situation. NONE.
As far as the ‘flight vs. fight’ response, I would never…EVER…fault a woman for her response during or after a rape situation. Or anyone in any dangerous situation for that matter. I happen to be lucky (or stupid) enough to have a natural fight response when in danger. I also learned how to keep a cool head in crisis situations because I worked in a career where it wasn’t a normal day unless there was a crisis. I realize that not everyone responds the same way to danger and I can’t say how I’d react in EVERY situation, but I do know that if your brain is busy freaking out, it can’t think it’s way out of danger.
Preparation goes a long way towards squashing down the flight response.
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