Theater of the Soul

Yeah, so my birthday dinner wasn’t without a few surprises. Unfortunately, G was the one shocked and awed rather than me.

G is the guy I’ve been dating lately. You’ll never meet a nicer guy. I inadvertently made a huge social faux pas by not informing him that TheEx and TheWife and TheNuBaby would be joining us. Well, to be fair, I did tell him that they would be attending and taking my boys back home with them but G thought that I meant they would just be picking up the boys and leaving.

I have informed G in the past that TheEx, TheWife and I had a good relationship with each other. I’ve come to realize that G’s idea of ‘good’ doesn’t quite match up with mine. When TheEx arrived and came up behind me to give me a kiss on the cheek, G assumed that it was just another friend he hadn’t met yet. When I hugged TheWife and snatched TheNuBaby, G assumed it was just another girlfriend and baby I hadn’t introduced him to yet. When I introduced all of them, G’s chin literally smacked the floor. He recovered quickly enough but he was thrown for a loop.

Whoops.

Let it never be said that I don’t throw the most INTERESTING parties. I DID inform TheEx that I would have a date with me and warned him to be on his best behavior. I honestly thought I covered all my bases. After the shock wore off, G went on the defensive and that put TheEx into his silent-but-deadly mode. I had prepared for that by bringing along some pictures that the kids took over the 4th of July and had them show their dad their albums.

Since G has already spent time with my other friends that were in attendance, they provided a good buffer, along with the kids. It was still somewhat tense but just when I feared one of them was going to pee on my leg to mark his territory, J began regaling us with photos and stories from his latest hiking trip.

There was no high drama or anything like that, but it was definitely uncomfortable. It wasn’t until G and I got in his car to head to the bar that I realized where the miscommunication was. He asked, “How am I supposed to compete with that?”. My reply was, “You can’t, so don’t try. You’re not in my life to try to take someone else’s place”.

The rest of the evening was better, but I had given G a lot to chew on. The next morning, we were able to talk with clear heads and I told him that I do feel sorry about the misunderstanding, but if he was waiting for an apology for the way my life is, he’d be waiting a long time. Learning how to deal with TheEx after we split and recovering a friendship was a hard won battle. Welcoming another woman into my children’s lives was THE most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do as a mother. I make the decisions in my life and I CHOSE to make the best out of a very bad situation…it’s not something I take lightly.

To be honest, carving a niche for himself in my life is the LEAST of his problems. Right now, having a relationship with someone is so far down my list of priorities that I’m not sure it even registers at all. I believe that you have to WORK at a relationship to make it anything worth having, and I’m not sure I have the patience or energy to put into it right now.

My priorities are kids, work and school and that won’t let up for at least another two years…longer if I go on to grad school. It’s been easy with G so far because he lives quite a distance away, so I only see him a few times a month. I also made it clear yesterday that moving is NOT an option for me, at least not until the kids are in college and on their own. I promised TheEx many years ago that I would never move the kids more than an hour away from him and I’m already at that limit. The boys need their father and that is justification enough for me to stay right where I am for now.

All in all, it was a trial by fire for G, but at least we both know where we stand right now. He needs to decide if he’s willing (and ABLE) to deal with a situation where an ex still figures prominently in my day-to-day life and I need to decide if I’m willing to put the effort into starting a relationship.

The only thing that bothers me is this: Should it BE a decision? If I truly wanted this relationship, why would there be any questioning about it?