Archive for July 29th, 2006

Mechanical Problems

These are supposedly comments by Qantas Airlines pilots made on “gripe sheets,” which the pilots use to alert mechanics to problems. The item circulating the internet also mentions that Qantas has an exceptional safety record, second only to Mark, a kid who went to high school with me and wore a helmet all the time.

The problems come from the pilots; the suggested solutions come from the mechanics.

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Solution: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on back-order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That’s what they’re for.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Suspected crack in windshield.
Solution: Suspect you’re right.

Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Problem: Target radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Problem: Mouse in cockpit.
Solution: Cat installed.

Problem: Noise coming from under instrument panel sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Solution: Took hammer away from midget

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Miscellaneous Meme

‘Acquired’ from Lisa:

What curse word do you use the most?
‘Fuck’ because it’s so fuckin’ versatile.

Do you own an iPod?
No and this continues to perplex me.

Who on your MySpace “Top 8″ do you talk to the most?
Hahahaha. MySpace sucks.

What time is your alarm clock set for?
During the school year: 4am. During summer vacation: I don’t even have a clock in my bedroom.

What color is your room?
Antique white wall with white trim.

Flip flops or sneakers?
Sneakers.

Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
I’d definitely rather take the picture.

What was the last movie you watched?
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. Arrrrrrrg!

Do any of your friends have children?
Almost all of them. Much to our collective dismay.

Has anyone ever called you lazy?
I call myself lazy ;-)

Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster?
No. I can fall asleep anytime, anyplace.

What CD is currently in your CD player?
I have a 3CD player. Currently, there is a mixed 80’s CD, a mixed Classical CD and a mixed Metallica CD.

Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk?
Neither. When the question involves beverages, the answer is always Coffee. Or Rum.

Has anyone told you a secret this week?
Yes. Unfortunately.

Have you ever given someone a hickey?
Yes.

Who was the last person to call you?
My boss.

Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
Lately? All the friggin time.

Did you watch cartoons as a child?
Yes. I loved cartoons as a kid.

How many siblings do you have?
Both of my parents were married before they had me, so I have several half brothers and sisters. I know all of my father’s children but only met one of my mother’s children. Sadly, I don’t even really know how many children she had.

Are you shy around the opposite sex?
LOL nope.

What movie do you know every line to?
Oh God…here’s where my geek really shines: All of the Star Wars and Lord of the Rings movies. Armageddon. Pirates of the Caribbean. Toy Story 1 and 2. Monsters, Inc. Finding Nemo. Shrek 1 and 2. All of the Harry Potter movies. Spaceballs. ET the Extra-Terrestrial. The Lion King. Shall I go on?

Do you own any band t-shirts?
I used to have a ton but now I only have TheEx’s band’s t-shirt.

What is your favorite salad dressing?
Creamy italian or Peppercorn Ranch.

Do you read for fun?
Not as often as I’d like to lately but, yes, when I have the time.

Do you cry a lot?
Nope. I’ve probably cried more in the past month since Rob died than I have in the last 20 years put together.

Who was the last person to text message you?
My friend, E.

Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop?
Several desktops, one laptop.

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
I’ve been wanting a tattoo for ages but still can’t bring myself to do it.

What is the weather like?
Fucking raining. Again. The weather here has sucked this summer. It’s either been too hot and humid to do anything or it’s been raining.

Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
Completely covered? Doubtful.

Is sex before marriage wrong?
If sex before marriage is wrong, I don’t wanna be right :-P But that’s not to say that abstaining from sex until after marriage isn’t an admirable ideal.

When was the last time you slept on the floor?
Probably when I went camping last fall.

How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
6.

Are you in love or lust?
Hmmm. Interesting question. I’m not ‘in love’ in the traditional sense but I guess you could say I’m in love with life right now. My lust is reserved for Jack Bauer.

Are your days full and fast-paced?
It varies. My days are always full with taking care of kids, house, school and work. I work best under pressure but I learned a long time ago (the hard way) that it’s too easy to make it a habit.

Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages?
No. I’m one of the lucky few who doesn’t need to watch her weight. I eat what I want, when I want it.

How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
37

Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
It depends. I don’t get my panties in a twist over spelling and grammar mistakes on anything except writing that I’m getting graded on or paid for. What REALLY gets on my tits are people that feel the need to prove their superiority by pointing out such mistakes online.

Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Yes.

Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
I probably get along better with men on the whole, but not because I dislike women. I just dislike many ‘womanly’ behaviors, such as whining, bitching, moaning and groaning ;-)

Do you like cottage cheese?
Good God, no. Blech.

Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back?
Side.

Have you ever bid for something on eBay?
The amount of money I’ve spent on eBay is scary.

Do you enjoy giving hugs?
Yup. I’m a hugger.

What song did you last sing out loud?
Probably ‘Sweet Child o’ Mine’ by Guns n Roses. It was playing on one of the carnival rides.

What is your favorite TV show?
Lost, 24 and Grey’s Anatomy.

Which celebrity, dead or alive, would you want to have lunch with?
Neil Armstrong.

Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
I had something rolling around in my stomach while riding The Zipper at the fair the other night, but they were bigger than butterflies.

What one thing do you wish you had?
I’m a single parent, so it’s a toss-up between more time or more money.

Favorite lyrics?
My favorite lyrics change as often as I change my underwear. Reconnecting with an old friend has brought a lot of long-forgotten memories to the surface and something that I heard recently that has a current special meaning to me is an old song by Skid Row:

I Remember You

Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
The wind would whisper and I’d think of you
And all the tears you cried, that called my name
And when you needed me I came through

I paint a picture of the days gone by
When love went blind and you would make me see
I’d stare a lifetime into your eyes
So that I knew you were there for me
Time after time you were there for me

Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I’d wanna hear you say - I remember you

We spent the summer with the top rolled down
Wished ever after would be like this
You said ‘I love you babe’, without a sound
I said I’d give my life for just one kiss
I’d live for your smile and die for your kiss

Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I’d wanna hear you say - I remember you

We’ve had our share of hard times
But that’s the price we paid
And through it all we kept the promise that we made
I swear you’ll never be lonely

Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
Washed away a dream of you
But nothing else could ever take you away
’cause you’ll always be my dream come true
Oh my darling, I love you

Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I’d wanna hear you say - I remember you

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