Theater of the Soul

Finally. A little peace and quiet. Court on Monday went well. The judge allowed me to be placed on the pseudo-nephews’ treatment team and ordered many hoops for the pseudo-family to jump through before he will even consider allowing them any access to the boys. I don’t expect this to last long…I’m sure the family will appeal if pseudo-brother happens to avoid jail time. There was no drama to be found though…I had arrived just seconds before we were called into the courtroom and the judge had the pseudo-family escorted out of the building right after the hearing. The bad news is that it’s entirely possible that bringing the boys home will be a non-issue. The initial reports from the treatment coordinator aren’t promising at all but it’s too soon to tell one way or another.

Breakfast with TheEx was…difficult, to say the least. Hashing out the child support and insurance issues were easy…it’s hashing out our relationship that got to me. Why I still have to deal with this TEN friggin years after the fact, I don’t understand. After we ate and paid the bill, we went for a walk because I had time to kill before court and I found myself having to explain for the umpteenth time why I can’t forgive infidelity. We didn’t fight or anything…it was just an emotional discussion I guess. A discussion that, truthfully, should be dead and buried by now.

The House of Chablis is in deep mourning on this Labor Day:

Steve Irwin, Australia’s popular “Crocodile Hunter,” has been killed by a stingray while filming off Australia’s north coast. He was 44. Irwin was killed when a stingray barb went through his chest, according to police sources. He was filming an underwater documentary at the time.

I think I’ve mentioned before how much my boys, especially BooBoo, WORSHIPPED the ground Irwin walked on. We’ve seen every episode of The Crocodile Hunter and the Crocodile Hunter Diaries at least a dozen times over…probably more. I’ve often envied my kids for having this half-showman, half-conservationist to learn from, having myself grown up with nature documentaries narrated by boring men with monotone voices. …And…looooong…silences. I grew up with Marlin Perkins, Jim Fowler and Jacques Cousteau, who are all inspirational in their own rights. But Steve Irwin came along, broke the mold and made it fun AND educational.

I can’t honestly say that I didn’t start watching regularly in hopes of watching this annoying aussie get eaten…but somewhere along the line, he grew on me. The irony in his death is that he was killed by one of the more placid creatures of the ocean rather than by one of his beloved killer crocs.

At least he died doing what he loved. We should all be so lucky.

Yeah, so ummmm…the decision of whether to take the pseudo-nephews was taken out of my hands early yesterday morning. At around 2am, I received a phone call from one of the workers letting me know that there was a major incident with the oldest nephew. I got all of the details yesterday morning and it’s clear that they won’t be able to live in a home environment anytime soon. They were both transported to an intensive residential treatment facility in the afternoon and that will be their home for the foreseeable future.

I am in complete agreement with the decision at this point and I’m familiar with the facility in question, having sent a foster child of my own there once. They don’t perform miracles there, but there’s a good chance that they’ll be able to put the kids on the right path.

My heart is so broken for these two kids that there are no words to describe it. I’ve got an appointment with the treatment coordinator there on Saturday to discuss what role, if any, I’ll be playing in all of this. No one can see the kids during their evaluation period and as of right this second, I have no legal rights to fall back on, but I will be appearing with the state in court Tuesday to (hopefully) change that. No matter which way you slice it, I’m still their only chance for a normal parental unit and there’s a good chance that once they’re stable, I can take them home on weekends and holidays…and eventually, home for good.

That may be the best solution to all of this because I truly was still sitting on the fence about bringing them home. Oh I WANTED to…no doubt about that…but I wasn’t convinced that it was the best thing for any of us. The unfortunate thing is that I still get all of the bullshit of dealing with the state, shrinks and courts with none of the benefits of watching the kids heal and overcome obstacles on a day-to-day basis.

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that there’s more to this case than meets the eye. Maybe I’m just grasping at straws, but I’m fairly sure that there is more to it than ‘just’ the abuse and neglect. Their physical exams didn’t turn up any evidence of sexual abuse, thank God, but there’s been something nagging at the back of my mind all week telling me that something just isn’t ‘right’ with them. They both suffer from the symptoms of failure to thrive, and granted, I’ve only ever seen babies that suffer from that, but I think these two boys have deeper medical issues that no one has diagnosed yet. My first thought was Autism, but there are physical symptoms that I’m seeing in their faces that lead me away from that idea. There’s more to this and I can’t put my finger on it, which drives me nuts. I’m really good at figuring out mental or behavioral issues, but I suck at medical issues. I’ve never taken in any physically or mentally handicapped children because that’s way out of my comfort zone (and the foster parents that DO take on the handicapped ones are the REAL angels out there IMHO). I can work a long ways towards ‘fixing’ behavioral issues…but medical issues are a completely different train of thought which I can’t get the hang of. Anyways, I’m fairly sure there’s a ’syndrome’ at work within these two boys…not anything as obvious as Down’s or fetal alcohol syndrome, but it’s definitely something along those lines. I don’t know…maybe it IS Autism and the physical symptoms I think I’m seeing are just the result of the extreme malnutrition.

It’s all so much to take in and try to wrap my brain around.

Wow. Just…WOW. It’s been a long and emotional day, but I wanted to check in quickly and let those who care know that I’m home and will post later tonight or tomorrow. I just can’t right now…the pain is too fresh.